I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
