If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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