it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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