My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
