if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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