Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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