I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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