I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
