Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
