no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
