i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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