wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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