i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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