How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Holy shit dude........stairs
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
