i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
