I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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