The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
