God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
cat food counts as protein by the way
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
