whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
