I wish I only lived at night.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
