I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
