I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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