I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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