you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
