if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
