are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
