Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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