I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
