My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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