So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize