Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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