So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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