I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
