did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
