eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
