"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
As shirtless as possible
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
