She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
