covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
