This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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