i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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