i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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