Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He has the fingertips of a God
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