Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
