Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
