I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
In America we eat man semen.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
