dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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