I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
