It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
