high people should be assigned attendants
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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