i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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