I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
