His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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