the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
