went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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