we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
