It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
