why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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