i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
