guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize