So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
