Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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