there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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