I smell stomach acid.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
