I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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