the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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