Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
