the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
