Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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