I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Randomize
