Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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