I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
