so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
