this beer tastes like vomit already
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
