I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
