Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
