so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize