okay pat passed out under dana's car
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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