glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
