Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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