I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
