Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
