Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
